Relationships are tricky sometimes. There is no instruction manual that comes with each person that gives advice on dealing with each situation. Although wouldn’t that be cool?

‘Tap forehead twice to end discussion’

…perfect! I have been thinking what I would add to my own manual and the first rule would probably be:

1) Do not ask for a bite of my sandwich.

I like sandwiches; they incorporate lots of my favourite foods all at once in an easy to use edible packaging. I especially like making my own sandwiches because then I can add whatever I want and it all tastes great.

So here is the tricky part of relationships…my girlfriend also likes sandwiches but she only seems to like the sandwiches I make. At first, whenever I sat down to eat my sandwich and she would ask “Can I have a bite? It looks amazing” I was okay with this. I figured I just made a really great looking sandwich. Except this kept happening again and again, and I know it’s not possible all of my sandwiches look that fantastic.

So knowing my partner, I started to add lots of onion to my sandwiches because she doesn’t really like onion…or so I thought. But even with pieces of onion strategically placed so they were visible to anyone viewing my sandwich, she would still ask for a bite. Why?! I need an instruction manual to explain this. Why try something you know you don’t like?! So she’d bite into the sandwich, chew for a few seconds and then say “I don’t really like onion”. Yea, no shit, that’s why I stuck a whole fucking chopped up onion in there.

2) I need less heat to sleep

Alright, the second tricky part is sleeping. We have a decently sized bed, certainly enough to accommodate two people and perhaps a large cat, a small dog or a medium sized rabbit. So what is tricky about this you ask? Well, why does it seem like my girlfriend produces enough warmth at night to power a small village in Western Europe? If I could harness this energy source I feel like I’d solve the fossil fuel crisis in a rather short time.

I know there are some kinds of biological reasons for this and I only know this because when I was awake at 3am wondering how I had been teleported to the Sahara, I decided to read up on it. If only there was an instruction manual:

‘Caution! Core temperature will exceed 100°.’

My only slight relief from this heat is the ability to sneak one lonely leg outside of the covers to try and cool myself down. Right now, as we approach summer and it’s getting warmer, I’m sure it will be even worse. There will be no cold air in our room for me to survive. I might build a window hammock and hang outside our apartment at night. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

3) Don’t leave lights on in empty rooms

This one is pretty self-explanatory and probably my own weird thing but it just doesn’t make sense. Why leave a light on if you’re not in the room?! It’s wasting money, and burglars won’t even need to turn on a flashlight to look around. So even though I’ve mentioned it to my girlfriend one hundred times, I’ll still sometimes find a light left on. It’s not even like we have lots of rooms and lights to leave on. We have four main room lights. There should be a high success rate of remembering to turn lights off/lights remaining on because of this. I’ve now just took to making jokes about it, maybe that works better.

“Oh look, Steve, our imaginary poltergeist, was in the bathroom turning lights on again. Don’t we hate Steve HAHAhahahahahaha…Seriously though, turn the light off”.

That’s not even the worst part.

I have nothing against recycling but I’m not militant about doing it. If I forget to recycle a milk carton I’m not going to spend a couple of days trying to right the wrongs I’ve committed on this earth. My girlfriend though, I think she might. If I throw something away that could have possibly been recycled, I receive a sad face. If I don’t crush up cardboard and put it in the cardboard bin, I get asked why it’s not in the cardboard bin. How can you be this concerned with the environment and recycling but not turn a light off? Doesn’t make sense to me, not one little bit. Where is the manual?

‘Software errors may lead to unusual activity. Please ignore.’

To be honest, I’m really glad there isn’t a manual though. Discovering all the idiosyncrasies of another person is just part of the fun and for me personally, if these are the worst things I can come up with for why relationships are tricky then it’s all worth it. Just don’t come near my damn sandwich again or I’m going to mush it in your face while shouting “Are you not entertained?!” Perhaps I just need to keep an onion on my person at all times. It’s like garlic and vampires except onions and my girlfriend.

For more from Fragarach (and maybe Steve, the imaginary Poltergeist), click here!